Effective Relations with Your Roommate

Becoming someone's roommate could be the beginning of a very influential and personal relationship in your life.

These tips are designed to help you establish and maintain a positive roommate relationship. You may find these guidelines useful whether you're rooming with your best friend or someone you've just met.

Remember that your roommate is not a mirror image of yourself and it is okay if you and your roommate are not best friends. Because roommates share living space, bathing facilities and financial responsibilities, you will need to have an understanding of each other's lifestyle and expectations.

It is not necessary to share every aspect of college living. In fact, learning to tolerate each other's differences without infringing on each other's freedoms can be a valuable part of your education.

Sometimes, even good intentions do not lead to a good relationship! You and your roommate will need to establish some mutual agreements.

It might seem awkward to sit down with someone you have just met and discuss expectations about everyday living. However, talking with each other will help set a pattern of communication which will help your work together on common concerns.

Meeting Your Roommate
You will receive a "Roommate Survey" which will be used to discuss some important information with your roommate to establish how you both will run your new home. Before you discuss with you roommate, take a few minutes to meet your roommate and find out about his or her name, hometown, major and classification, birthday, or even his/her favorite food or hobby.

Now that you know the basics about each other, let's move into some more important areas. Some important topics to discuss are:

• How much sleep I need and the times I sleep.
• How important it is to be neat and clean.
• How I like to spend money when I have some.
• How I feel about living away from home.
• The kinds of activities I can get involved in at Texas State.
• Some habits of mine that might be important for you to know.
• What I like to do to relieve stress.
• When I plan on having guests visit.

Forming your New Home
Now that you have discussed more of your personal values with your roommate, we suggest you establish some house rules and write them down. We know from experience that if you do this final process, it will help you resolve problems that may arise later. Post these rules in an obvious place so that you will continue to be reminded of them.

Examples:
- No roommate will borrow another's item without first asking and receiving permission.
- Each roommate will take turns every other week cleaning the room.

Setting Expectations

It is important that you make an effort to remain sincere and honest. Learn about your similarities and your differences. Don't be afraid to note the differences between yourselves. That's what distinguishes you as an individual.

When sharing reactions with each other, it's important that you discuss specific behaviors. This will help you not only to be aware of each other's behaviors, but also
to understand why each other reacts as he/she does.
Remember to be open and honest with each other.

Overcoming Disputes
No matter how hard you try, communication sometimes breaks down. You might be receiving a subtle hint that this has happened when you find that your roommate doesn't want to talk to you, leaves the room whenever you enter, or complains to friends about you.

If this happens, you can be fairly sure that there is some conflict which needs to be addressed.

Don't ignore these signs of trouble. Take the first step in confronting your roommate in an effort to understand what is wrong. It may be something very simple that can easily be resolved, or it may be an issue on which you both have to work together.

Most conflicts arise from small personal irritations which, when not confronted immediately, grow into big problems. Honest and ongoing communication is critical! Below are some suggestions to help you deal with conflicts before they get too big to handle.

Outside Help
Not all conflicts can be resolved by the roommates themselves. When you need help, try to get assistance before the problem is overwhelming. Be sure to check out the following services here to help you:

• Your resident assistant
• Your residence director
• Your area coordinator
• Other departmental staff 

Tips for Resolving Conflicts
Check your behavior in a conflict situation. If you change your behavior, your roommate's behavior may also change. As a result, your perspective on the problem can change.

- Approach your roommate in private. Without being insensitive to the other person's feelings, be direct and specific about the problem. Do not discuss personalities. This could cause someone to become defensive. Instead try to discuss behaviors.

- Be patient. Maintain your composure and self control so that you can continue to handle the problem effectively.

- If the situation does not improve, arrange a meeting with your roommate.

- Each person should take a turn describing his/her perception of the situation, how he/she feels about it, and what he/she wants. Together try to come to an agreement on what the conflict is.

- Each roommate should agree to compromise and help develop a solution. Together, describe a situation which would be a compromise, an use the appropriate means to arrive at a solution. Then discuss what changes will be needed to bring about the solution.

- Together, develop a plan of action. Set a time frame for these changes to occur. Each roommate should commit to the plan, including personal changes if necessary.

- Set a future date to evaluate the situation and renegotiate if necessary. Texas State Roommate Guide